With This Sippy-Cup, I Thee Wed

Years ago, in the midst of my little-kid years, I broke surface long enough to make fun of the sea of anxiety we all lived in.

I’m beyond these days now.* But I occasionally resurrect this piece in hopes that it will resonate with my friends who are still there.** Also, because I think I’m pretty funny.


As mothers of young children, we’re bombarded by advice: from playgroup moms, magazines, doctors, mothers-in-law, or even complete strangers at the mall. Why isn’t he potty-trained yet? You need to take away that pacifier. A child never should go to bed with a sippy cup. Isn’t she a little too old for a “lovey”?

One wise mother once dismissed my anxieties with, “Oh, she won’t walk up the aisle in a diaper.” But when you’re in the middle of it all, you find yourself wondering…

A Wedding Announcement

Miss Madison Alise Johnson was united in marriage to Mr. Hunter Travis Johnson in a double-ring ceremony on September 30, at All Happiness and Light Community Church.

The bride wore a hand-beaded gown of ivory lace while sucking on a matching beaded pacifier sprigged with rosebuds to match her bouquet.

The groom wore a formal black tuxedo and, underneath, Spider-man pull-ups in case he couldn’t make it through the ceremony.

At the reception following the ceremony, the bride and groom exchanged drinks from crystal sippy-cups, since their parents’ suggestion that they use big-girl and big-boy cups elicited only tears.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson-Johnson honeymooned in the Bahamas, the bride accompanied by her cherished Pinky-Pie Bear and the groom with his favorite blue “Blankie.”

Also attending them at the wedding were the parents of the bride and groom. Both the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom wore twenty-year-old expressions of frustration.

— SJ

*The names are a little revealing: they were cutting-edge trendy choices ten years ago.

**Now, anybody who wants to pitch in with a guarantee about raising teenagers into happy, well-adjusted adults, just go right ahead. I’m your target audience.


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