The Bunny Diaries

As we embarked on The Jones Westward Expedition, I wrote about our pet rabbit: “We found a temporary home for the bunny. We were a little sad to say goodbye to him, but not as sad as he was. Because he’ll be in a cage for three week. If he kept a blog, it would be The NonAdventures of the Sulky Incarcerated Rabbit.” (TJWE Day 1)

My friend Swanson the Second accepted the challenge. Not that I asked him to. Second tends to volunteer his genius in ways that are occasionally helpful, usually irritating, and almost always make me laugh.

Every time I’d link to a TJWE post on Facebook, he’d chime in with a “post” from “the bunny” in the comment section. I’m collecting the entries here for posterity’s sake. Kind of like when an interesting weed volunteers itself in your garden, and you decide to keep it.

I had no idea the rabbit was such a deep thinker with a melancholy soul.

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The Bunny Diaries
by Cosmic the Rabbit and Swanson the Second

Episode I
Hey, this is the rabbit. Thought you’d like to know how I am getting on. Well, I’m not. I’m surviving on lettuce and water. That’s right—-this is a hunger strike. Everyone else is getting to see the world, and you know what I’ve got all day? A new wall. It’s a good wall, I suppose, in that it keeps stuff in, like people and air conditioning, but you know what it keeps out? Adventure! Scenery! New smells! Grass and the sky, for the love of carrots! I hope you all turn left at Albuquerque. I’ll just be here staring at the wall.

Episode II
Day two of this wretched exile. I don’t know why I am bothering to count: all the days are the same. The sun goes up, the sun goes down. Not that it matters because I’m not outside. I get electric lights. It’s like being a lab rat, but without the needles and drug dreams. I wonder what the clover in Tennesee is like? I bet it smells like cinnamon.

Episode III
Today I watched paint dry. Have you ever watched paint dry? It’s fascinating. First they moved my cage away from the wall, washed the wall, and then they painted it. They put my cage quite close to the wall and I got to watch alllllll of that paint dry. First, it’s really shiny. Then it begins to dry, but in patches. I suspect it has to do with air currents. The wall became a sea, with wet and dry streaks tracing paths amongst the natural topography of the wall itself. Then, like the world draining after the flood, the wet areas receded, leaving behind dry land stretching away from me like the Great Plains are stretching away from my owners who left me in this clover-forsaken place where all I have to do all day long is watch paint dry.

Episode IV
This morning I escaped. It was a glorious moment. A cage door left just slightly ajar, a wild dash for freedom, and a fortuitously opened door to the front porch. Everything came together in the perfect moment. Then I was OUT the door and into sweet fields of freedom and clover. Sweet dandelion stems, what heavenly smells! Grass, trees, the wind, flowers—and the warmth of the hot turf under my footpads. It was wonderful, wonderful….

That’s when I woke up from the stupid dream. I’m still in the cage. I hate my life.

Episode V
They named me Cosmic. The people who own me. I can’t remember them too well anymore since it’s been so long since they deserted me, but I remember my name. It sounds adventurous. Cosmic the Adventure Bunny. I could go places. Icould smell things. I dream of seeing a river, or even a stream. And stars. After all, I am Cosmic the Adventure Bunny. It seems like I should see the stars.

They say that everyone is a prisoner of their own mind. Their fears, their desires, and their hopes all form barriers to happiness and self-discovery. A lot of people think that this is very deep and poignant. *I* think it’s a load of rancid lettuce. My bars are REAL. I can’t explore or become self-actualized because there are BARS all around me. I chew on them sometimes. They taste good, in an emotionally painful way. That’s my life. That’s me, Cosmic the Emotionally Stunted Non-Adventure Bunny.

Episode VI
Today, I turn over a new leaf. Not a literal one, because I am still trapped in this web of cold steel they call a cage, but a metaphorical one: it’s all about having a positive attitude. A negative mind can never get you a positive escape! I’m going to keep a happy mindset and wait for my circumstances to change for the better as I accept the life I have rather than the life I want. That’s right, I love this cage! It’s safe, it’s…uh…it’s large enough to fit me. There might not be any clover, but there is some newspaper. I can see half a Garfield comic strip that might be funny fi I could see the whole thing…and uh…I like this cage. That’s right, I said it, I LIKE this cage! Good thoughts, good thoughts, I like this cage, and I hope I never get out because it is such a great cage, HAHAHA. I mean…who wants to be out of the cage? Ha ha …..uh…not me. Not this bunny. I love this cage.
.
.
.
.
.
.
send help

Episode VII
Bunnies don’t have a lot of natural advantages in life; we’re not fast, we’re not strong, we spook easily, and we never get to go on vacation. Our most famous attribute is our breeding. But we’re quiet and sneaky. And stubborn, and vindictive. We also have sharp teeth and like rubber. So I’m not saying I’m going to do anything bad, but if, say, 4 months from now I find things like power cords and charging cords or maybe remotes or phones or tablets within my reach….I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out later that someone chewed them up and left them for dead. I’m pretty sure it won’t be intentional. It’s just the natural outpouring of all the inner anxiety, loneliness, sadness, and pure, unadulterated rage that is slowly building up inside me day after day after day as I remain a prisoner in this cage as my little “vacation” continues with no break and no hope. Every day I die a little inside, and sometimes I can almost taste it……rubber.

Episode VIII
There once was a bunny from Virginia
Who’d give anything to see California
But instead of the ocean
His only emotion
Is a cage of despair and he doesn’t care that it doesn’t rhyme because nothing matters when you’re stuck behind bars

Sweet summer clover
The touch of a hand, a stroke
Never mine, alas

~Limerick and Haiku, by Cosmic the Lonely

Episode IX
A carrot in a garret, a cape of parrot, who would wear it? Not the ferret, he won’t bear it, likely share it. Maybe pair it, tear it, people stare it, lots of merit, just don’t hare it (HA HA), grin and bare it, SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE

Episode X
“I Ain’t Your Bunny, Honey”
(1970’s country feel)

You said you’d never leave me
You said I’d be wild and free
You said you really loved me
Your little rabbit I’d always be

Deep in the clover, like a big fat plover
That’s what you promised me
Eatin’ lettuce by the bucket, in my mouth I tuck it
That’s what you promised me

But I got news for you….
You did what you shouldn’t do
You took all my love for granted
Now I’m all disenchanted

And I got news for you…
There’s nothing more that you can do
You can’t buy me with love or money.
Because I ain’t your bunny, honey
Not anymore

You can shower me with fresh green grass
Take me to a mountain pass
But it’s too late, no matter how sunny
I ain’t your bunny, honey
Not anymore

You played out your bad, bad habit
Now you’re getting the bad jackrabbit
I’ll tell you something I find quite funny,
I ain’t your bunny, honey.
No, no…I ain’t your bunny….no, no…..not anymore.

Editor’s Note: The bunny was rescued shortly after this post. He was found to be in good health with no signs of excessive suffering. He’d even been let out of his cage a couple of times by the family taking care of him. He’s now back home and roaming free.

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