Heavenly Rewards with the Shopper from Hell

I’ve got this friend I go shopping with. She’s awful.

Here’s what she does: she refuses to get a cart. Grocery store, Target, doesn’t matter – she’s always sure she can carry everything. “I don’t need that much stuff,” she always says. Fifteen minutes later, here we are hauling through the store with 645 items in our sagging arms, and she’s like, “We can do this! You know how God gives out special blessings for people who make it to the checkout without dropping the milk jug?”

“No, he doesn’t!” I yell, but she doesn’t listen. She’s too busy stuffing the bag of rabbit food under her shirt so she can hold the laundry detergent.

Okay, to be fair, sometimes she gives in. She gets one of those plastic baskets. I’ll say, “That’s not going to be big enough,” but she says, “I’m not going to get that much stuff.”

Fifteen minutes later, we’re lugging 645 items, 8 of which are in the basket, which is the 646th item. “Come on!” she says. “God promises long life to those who make it to the checkout with the bread unsquashed!”

“That’s not in the King James Version,” I pant.

It took me a while to figure out why I keep shopping with her. I finally realized… it’s because nobody else wants to. I mean, she’s kind of fun to be around and pretty funny on occasion, but after a few shopping trips, nobody wants to go back with me her.

Her. Back with her. My friend, I meant to say. That’s what I meant.

Dang. That was embarrassing.

Well. For the record, I’ve got tons of extra blessings and longevity saved up. So there.

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