Love, (Irritable) SJ

Dear Gray November Day,

Everything irritates me today and it’s your fault.

Love (not really), SJ

**

Dear Womanhood,

You’re not any help, either.

Love (hmph), SJ

**

Dear Facebook,

Could you come up with a little notification that tells people, “Eighteen months ago, this meme was shared 3,896 times on SJ’s newsfeed alone. Please reconsider sharing it today.”

Love, SJ

**

Dear New Heroine,

Starting a new story is an exciting time! I realize we’ve still got a lot of work to do, but it would really facilitate the process if you could come up with some kind of life goal we could work with. Something besides, “Getting to know the hunky love interest.” That’s going to happen, but we’ve got to have a little more than that. Thanks!

Love, SJ

**

Dear Christian Teen Girl Magazine,

I do appreciate what you’re trying to do here. You’re giving young women a fresh, sophisticated approach to life and faith. But no matter how artsy your photographs are and how often your models wear yellow and brown clothes, you still come across as a hipster version of Victorian femininity.

One vibe is especially strong, that of the Sweet Older Woman Gently Instructing Her Young Charges. You feature an article with questions like this:

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If you sat down right now and added up the time that you spent on social media today and the amount of time you spent in the Bible and with the Lord, which would be more?

Ouch. Is that convicting?

No, Sweet Precious Magazine, it’s not. It’s guilt-inducing. You can’t compare social media with reading the Bible. One is always changing. One never changes. (Right?) Besides, interacting with other people doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ignoring God.

How about, “Add up the time you spent writing articles for the correction and encouragement of young ladies, and the amount of time you spent in the Bible and with the Lord. Which would be more?” Is that convicting? Well, it shouldn’t be!

You sound like a church lady I knew once who was always gently instructing us in the ways of her generation instead of ours. Also I’m irritable today.

Love, SJ

**

Dear Facebook,

How about if you just set an expiration threshold on memes and they become unsharable after a certain number?

Love, SJ

**

Dear Magazine,

And also, what’s with this?

20151111_134845

If we feel the need to share with someone, or even be affirmed by someone, we must open our Bibles. Go to him. Pray. He is waiting all the time for us to just come to him.

We do not need to share with the world when we can share with him. Turn to him in prayer.

Because the whole reason God created humans as social beings who crave the company, affirmation and sympathy of other humans is so we can ignore them when we’re in need. Also, he can’t hear us if we talk to other people instead of him. Also, it totally works to turn all our thoughts inward and don’t consult other people for their experience or opinions.

Why did you feel the need to share this advice, anyway? I think you meant to tell God all this, right?

Love (I guess not really), SJ

**

Dear New Heroine,

Don’t even dare bring up Twilight to me. You will have more to your life than the hunky hero. This is not up for discussion.

Edward wasn’t even very hunky. And if you read it closely (which I don’t recommend because of the resulting trauma), you’ll see that it wasn’t really Bella who loved him so passionately. It was the author who did. The ultimate unrequited love.

Love, SJ

**

Dear Womanhood on a Gray November Day,

Next time could you come equipped with chocolate? Thanks so much.

Love, SJ

 

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2 thoughts on “Love, (Irritable) SJ

  1. I have switched to my pages feed on Facebook, because that is higher quality content that is significantly less angst inducing. Also–that magazine! I think I’ve seen that magazine….here, let me take a checklist and beat you over the head with it! I preferred my brother’s Breakaway magazines when I was kid–THEY got Choose Your Own Adventure stories in their magazine. We didn’t bother ever subscribing to the namby pamby boring beyond all reason Christian girl magazines (course…I also had two different horse mags…).

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