The Character-Building Activities Committee
Dept. of Trials&Tribulations
November Purgatory Picnic!
Dear Mrs. Jones,
You’re invited to the November Purgatory Picnic! Attendance is, of course, mandatory.
This moms-only (no childcare provided) event will be held at 6:00 a.m. at the local park, right beside the slides and monkey bars. Please have all of your children there with appropriate clothes, matching socks, and all wearing shoes. Your children’s attitude will be taken as a direct reflection on your personal parenting.
We’ve invited four different speakers, all known for running at least fifteen minutes over their allotted time, to talk to us on the following subjects:
* “A Comprehensive Overview of Sports”
* “Wine and Spirits: I Want To Tell You Everything I Know About Them” (Handouts of year + brand + in-depth taste analysis provided.)
* “An In-Depth Discussion of That Deeply Emotive Women’s Spirituality Book You Haven’t Read”
* “My Opinions On Everything”
Although no audience participation is allowed, please do not bring along notebooks, pens, electronic devices, or anything else that might indicate to the speakers that you aren’t paying attention. Also, please note that children are not allowed to play on the playground equipment at any time during the talks.
After the talks, we’ll enjoy a potluck picnic! It has come to our attention that you’ve mastered the art of making meatloaf. We are removing it from your Purgatory Picnic Menu. But you still consistently make disasters of muffins, no-bake cookies, and meatballs.
You are assigned to bring the following foods to the picnic:
* No-Bake Cookies
As always, there will be a time for everyone to advise you on the best way to make these insanely easy dishes, and insist that if you just do it this way, it will work for you.
The picnic will conclude with a prayer time. Everyone is expected to participate, particularly the people who pray very long, elaborate prayers that probably even bore God, and furthermore mention everything first so you just sound like you’re copying them. You will be graded on how spontaneous and spiritual your prayer is.
We look forward to seeing you this month! And remember, bring your brightest and sunniest attitude… because if you don’t get it right this time, there’s always next month’s picnic!