How to Read Facebook For More Than It’s Worth

I’m on Facebook nearly constantly. I ignore nearly all funny videos, political commentaries, inflammatory links, crusades, and articles that will blow my mind. Wait, what’s left?

What’s left are the little glimpses into people’s lives. And I like those. It’s like we’re all in the same neighborhood, meeting on the street to chat a little.

But I have to say it — Some people can get kind of boring. Not me, I mean. And definitely not you. But some people.

And some days, my whole newsfeed is full of those people. On those days, I just close Facebook and find something else to do.

HAHA! Who even does that? No, I make up games to make the status updates more fun.  For instance:

Game #1: First Line of a Novel status
I read an update as if it’s an opening line of a book.

1. Dumped coffee all down my shirt on the way to work. You would think Starbucks would make lids to fit their cups. Way to get my morning started right, Starbucks.
By the end of this first page, the spunky protagonist will get caught up in some kind of alien invasion or paranormal disaster, meet an intimidatingly hunky hero, and decide that she’ll take Starbucks’ version of the morning any day.

2. Spent today with the new bike searching for a rattle. Didn’t nail down the rattle. Can’t wait to take this thing out tonight.
Motorcycles, a beautiful woman, and probably some kind of criminal ring smuggling diamonds.

3. Children playing .Windows open in August. Coffee and a book and a little serenity.
Thus begins an introspective novel of how a family recovers from tragedy, finding hope to live again.

Game #2: Zombie status
Read updates as if they’re written by a zombie.

This one doesn’t always work, but occasionally you’ll get one like this:

Long day at work, didn’t help that I smashed my finger in my car door. OMG. Just can’t wait to get home and crash.
Poor zombie, exhausted from chasing screaming hoards of humans all day, losing yet another finger in the car door (only three left by now), getting home and flopping into a ratty old chair. An arm falls off, but she’s still got one hand to grab a nearby disembodied foot to chew on.

Game #3: Superspy status
This is for the really, really boring ones.

Got up at 8. Took a walk, then had breakfast. Working today, then hope to go to the gym.

Don’t think, “Why did you even post that?” No, read it for what it really is: a code for what this super assassin/spy plans for the day.

Got up at 8 refers to where in the city his assignment takes place. Took a walk means he staked out the target. Then had breakfast — that’s pretty scary right there. That’s code for “somebody ended up dead.” And it doesn’t end there; he’s working today, meaning he and his organization are tracking several other targets. Then hope to go to the gym. That’s a clear warning to a rival spy: you better not try messing with me.

See? That’s about the most exciting status update I’ll see in a week!

I’m sure there are dozens of other genres to explore on Facebook. Bet y’all could come up with some I’d never think of. All it takes is a little imagination, and a fierce determination not to go find something productive to do.


2 thoughts on “How to Read Facebook For More Than It’s Worth

  1. You think you’re sneaky don’t you, cassualy challenging others to come up with other games?You’re just trying to either get lots of responses or new ideas.

  2. If that is, in fact, her motive, it works pretty well on the “new ideas” front. Unfortunately, it’s not her genre and it’s in my head. Not hers.

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