If God Created the World with a 5-year-old

Creating world

Inspired by my and Ranger’s recent visit to a water-and-sand learning station at the local children’s museum.

In the beginning, God’s plans to create the world were kind of derailed when he ended up babysitting a 5-year-old boy. God can take things in stride, though.

“Ready?” he asked the boy, who nodded. God cleared his throat, lifted his hands, and said,

“LET THERE BE LIGHT.”

And there was light.

Then it went off.

Then it came on.

Off. On. Off. On.

“Stop that!” God exclaimed. “You’re going to blow the bulb!”

Off… on. The boy stopped.

God created the sky and the waters below. Then he carefully formed a mountain, shaping a high peak and sloping sides. “How about this?” he said to the boy.

“Cool!” the boy said. “Watch this! SMASH!”

God blinked. “Okay. Canyons are nice, too.”

It was a time of great change on the face of the earth. Mountain ranges became plateaus, which became islands, which became really, really big holes full of water! “That’s enough digging for now,” God said. “You’ve made the place two-thirds ocean as it is. Here, have a goldfish. I just made them.”

God brought forth grass and plants and trees on the earth. The boy found a stick and whacked the heads of newly-bloomed flowers. God hung the lights in the sky — the sun by day, and as an extra-special touch, two moons by night. The boy said, “Hey, watch what happens when you poke the sun! It shoots out blasters! Watch me blow up that round rock! POW!”

“Tides will work better with just one moon anyway,” God conceded.

With great joy, God created living creatures. “Let’s see,” he mused. “Fish, no legs. Birds, two legs. For land animals, how about four legs? Now, I’ve got a lot of bugs here, so I think I’ll just do two legs apiece…”

“Look at this really cool bug!” said the boy. “I gave it SIX legs! Hey, look at this one! It has EIGHT legs! I’m going to do one with twenty-seven hundred nineteen legs!”

“Let’s don’t,” God said.

“Aw. How many bugs are you going to make?”

“I don’t know. Maybe two hundred? Enough to keep things pollinated and feed birds and stuff.”

“Not two hundred. Twenty-seven hundred nineteen!”

“That’s really a lot.”

“Please? PLEASE?”

“Oh, okay. Bugs are really little anyway. Nobody will notice how many there are. Knock yourself out.”

God had big plans for his final creation, intelligent beings in his own image. He started sketching out the plans, then looked over at the boy, who had a six-legged beetle and was adding two sets of wings and a pincher. God decided to put off his crowning project until tomorrow.

But to finish off the day, he amused himself by creating enormous lumbering land creatures with massive bodies and rather small brains. “Hey, look at these,” he told the boy.

“Cool!” said the boy. “Hey, watch me poke the sun and make a blast! BOOM!”

God sighed. “Well, so much for the dinosaurs.”

And on the next day, the boy went home, and God rested.

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