Mentioning Unmentionables

* Advisory: This post talks about underwear. Skip it if you’d prefer to return to Facebook and watch yet another video that will blow your mind. *

I’ve got an idea for a new cultural-awareness activity that will benefit people (males) everywhere. It requires a keen mind for details, sharp decision-making skills, and a good bit of luck.

It’s called Shopping for Women’s Underwear.

I envision it as a guided tour in several stages:

Level One: Locate the women’s lingerie section in the store. This is an easy one, since the department is right out there in the open. Never mind that once we put these clothes on our bodies, they must by all rules of decency be absolutely invisible. I’m sorry if this level embarrasses you. You think this is bad, try a trip to the OB/GYN.

Level Two: Locate the wall of underwear. Yes, wall. It’s about ten feet by twenty feet, hung with hundreds of packages. There’s no way to pretend you’re not looking at panties.

Level Three: Pinpoint the right style. Low-rise hipster? Bikni? Boyshorts? High-rise? Briefs? Classic? High-cut? Low-cut? Choose carefully. Suffering is wearing bikini briefs when your body is shaped more for boyshorts.

Level Four: Find your style in the right material. Microfiber? Lace? Spandex? Cotton? Cotton-stretch? The trick here is that some materials are designed for “real ladies,” the ones who don’t sweat. They don’t perspire either. Apparently they can happily encase their bodies in what is basically pliable, slippery, underwear- shaped plastic.

Level Five: Color and pattern. Maybe you want purple paisley. Three hues of yellow. Green dots and squares. Pastel. Jewel tones. Does it matter? Absolutely not. Just grab one? Unthinkable.

Level Six: Size. Can you find your style, material, and pattern in the right size? They’re numbered 5 to 10, but you have to refer to the chart on the back of the package for your hip and waist size. Wait, what was the style you liked? In cotton? Hang on, what size again?

Level Seven: Quantity. Some are 3-packs. Some are 6 -packs. None are 12- or 24-packs, because it’s not like we’re men or anything.

Proceed through each level with extreme caution. The last thing you want to do is end up with a 6-pack of ugly green itchy lace low-risers that are slightly too small. It will lock your existence in misery until you can get back to the store and do it all again.

The great thing about this activity is that it’s adaptable to various levels of skill. For advanced settings, repeat the above steps while accompanied by a 4-year-old and a 2 1/2-year-old. I’m even already working on the sequel, which requires the participant to crack multiple levels of cryptic codes like 38B Underwire Padded Lift Sports Back Invisible Tshirt in Taupe. I’ll call it Buying a Bra.

I’m pretty sure this idea will turn out to be a great success. At least among women who might enjoy a little therapeutic revenge.


8 thoughts on “Mentioning Unmentionables

  1. OMG yes. Such a pain in the neck. Er. Rear. Because some of those cuts really work well for certain body types and don’t even come close to fitting others–regardless of size.

  2. Any kind of undergarment shopping is nightmarish. But with ones CHILDREN in tow?! That pushes it over the top into a full blown traumatic abomination.

  3. This was super funny and so right on. Since I just went underwear shopping a few weeks ago and stood at that wall trying to all this post describes with children in tow, it was a fresh memory! 😉

  4. […] In pursuit of hunky men equality, I reworked some memes from my other posts. This way men can experience the same inspirational feelings of frustration that women usually do. It’s a service I like to provide for males everywhere. Ask me about shopping for underwear. […]

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